I think it’s time I moved away from this little corner of cyberspace.
I think it’s called moving on.
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For Kevin,
I know you read this! But fraternal twin, fret not, I’ll let you know if I pick up blogging somewhere else ^^
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Farewell (:
It’s been so long since this sense of inadequacy has been this strong. It’s been so so long since I last thought about how difficult it can be to please you.
Because it’ll never please you right? Because nothing I ever get apart from the highest possible score will ever make you proud right? Because what you want isn’t improvement, or coping with a major disaster, or a learning experience right? Because all that means anything to you is simply a perfect results slip right?
Because you’ll never be really proud of me? Because you’ll never see how much of an achievement I’ve made since the start of the year? Because you don’t realise how much I’ve grown and changed throughout the course of the year? Because all you see is a measly 31 points and all the staying up and all the failures?
Because really. When will I ever make you proud? When will I ever cease to be a disappointment? When will you look at my results and realise how proud I am of myself and be proud of that as well?
.
And I was getting along so fine without having to worry about what you want or about making you proud.
I wanna be a star in your night sky; perhaps insignificant, perhaps overlooked, but I’d burn myself out to light up your world.
I love that feeling when you’ve put in your best for a piece of work and finished it quickly, efficiently and well.
I just hate how I allow myself to slack after that.
Sigh.
.
It’s amazing how much I missed you in the ten hours I was awake but didn’t talk to you.
I think talking to you is way more addictive than Elliott Smith ever can be.
But I guess it just suggests that this is just what happiness is(:
I’m never gonna know you now
But I’m gonna love you anyhow
I suppose it isn’t really fair that we were deprived of true family time, but I suppose that’s God’s plan for us, and He has a reason for making me feel this way more strongly than my sis does sometimes.
Perhaps my sis has went through this before.
Small price to pay for a better life, I guess?
But there really isn’t much to do about it.
Guess the way I put it to Ben was quite right. There’s just this strange empty space where aunts and uncles and cousins are supposed to be, and there’s nothing I can do to make it go away.
.
Sigh. How depressing.
But I guess that’s just life.
This you-hiatus really isn’t working out.
How now. You’re too important to let go of.
I really need this you-hiatus to work out. Why must you be there in the middle of dark nights, when I just want to be alone? When I just want to be alone, and to think about things by myself, and to slowly slowly get used to being on my own again.
I need to be used to being on my own again. Emotional detachment really can be a great defense sometimes.
.
NEED. TO. START. WORKING.
Ugh, screw you stupid blocked nose. Makes lying around having quiet alone time so difficult.
Some quiet alone time, without thoughts of either you or him invading my mind. Just me, myself and I, thinking. Thinking, thinking, thinking.
For the first time in my life, I have no desire to go back to any point in time in my past. I may miss so many things in my past, but I harbour no wish or desire to be back there again.
Lying on the AstroTurf that night, after wrestling with Math port for about three hours with Ben and Kevin… I realised, truly realised, just how wonderful and beautiful life is. How absolutely blessed I am. And in that moment, for the first time in such a long time, the present, the here and now, was so much more precious and beautiful than anything I remembered in my past. And I suppose that was especially so because, for the first time in a long time, I was genuinely living in the present. Not the past, nor the future, but the present.
It’s beautiful, the present, if you actually realise. I wish my present present could stay for forever, but perhaps more beautiful presents will come my way soon, and I’ll love all those too.
And in these few short months in AC, in OG 12 and in 5.03, I must say I have found myself more keenly and clearly than I ever had. I have found more to this girl than I had in my past 17 years, and I have found reason to love this girl who is so loved by the Creator of this world. I have found the ability to accept this girl for who she is, to love her anyway because she, being human, is also deserving of love in spite of her mistakes and weaknesses.
So glad, so glad I can finally look at myself this way, to treat myself with the same kindness I strive to show others.
Thank God, thank God for all I’ve been blessed with so far. All these wonderful people around me, and all I’ve experienced so far.
Thank God, thank God 
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I wish. I wish you could have seen it earlier. I wish you could have seen this girl, I wish you could have seen leewei as leewei finally emerged. I wish you could have been there.
But perhaps. You and I were meant for different lives, for different people more suited for us.
Please. Live well.
I guess. At the crux of it, I don’t want anything more because I don’t need anything more. At this point in time, in the present moment, here and now, I don’t need anything more than what I have now.
Perhaps, if things did work out that way, the rest of my IB life would be really good. Maybe if things really worked out crazy well, then yes, my IB life would be awesome.
But know what? Things are good enough as they are now. I’m really happy the way I am now, and I really really like how we are now. I don’t need anything more than that, and just knowing I can sit next to him as a classmate, a friend and someone he’d never want to lose, that’s good enough for me. To know that trapdoor’s always open for me, and that he’ll let me walk in at any time of the day, and that he’s not about to move away any time soon. That’s good enough.
I can walk alone, and I’ll be able to walk really far even when I’m alone. Now’s not the time to walk with someone. Until I know I can let go of the euphoria of freedom, and let it go willingly, I can’t commit.
Maybe this is the real thing. But not now. Not any time soon either. Just not yet. Maybe. Never would be better.
Just not now.
